Beta 1 = 192

So yesterday was beta day and the results came in. It was a long day of waiting, and following up, and waiting, but eventually I got an email from my clinic telling me the results were “positive” (which I was assuming) and that the HCG was 192. My progesterone was in the 50s which was also reassuring. So it was good news.

I had hoped my beta number at 11dp5dt would be a bit higher than it was, but I think that’s just me being greedy wanting reassurance. In reality, beta numbers don’t really indicate much, it’s the doubling factor that is more important. So of course now there’s nothing to do but wait until Thursday (Dec 29) to get my repeat blood work and see if the pregnancy appears to be viable. In the meantime I had to google beta numbers for reassurance and found an excellent reference HERE if you’re interested.

Given my current beta of 192, I should hope for anything above 300 on Thursday. They want to see a doubling every 48-72 hours (or 60% minimum increase in 48 hrs). So ideally I’d feel best if we saw the number around 384 but I have to be realistic and know that anything over 300 should still be an indication of success. I know myself though, and know that I’m a high achieving perfectionist, so if it doesn’t double or more, I know I’ll read into it unnecessarily.

It doesn’t help that I had really bad cramping last night that woke me out of a dead sleep. Of course it’s 4am and I’m freaking out that I’m miscarrying or something because they were intense. Good ole Google for the win though… apparently it’s “normal” as long as there is no bleeding which luckily there isn’t… at least for now. Fingers crossed it stays that way!

Today I feel okay. I’m not nearly as stressed as I was yesterday and definitely feeling hopeful that this pregnancy will turn into a beautiful baby (or two…. or three). Based on my beta numbers I’d guess 1, but I’ve also read many forums indicating that beta numbers mean very little regarding how many are in there. Who knows, and only time will tell.

So Very Tired

So today is 9 days past our transfer, and if not for the holidays, would have been the day that we had our first beta. It sucks that we have to wait a couple extra days because of holiday hour closures etc. but in the end, a few days isn’t the end of the world. Feels that way a little bit right now simply because I’m so full of anxiety, but time will pass and next thing I know we’ll be anxiously awaiting beta #2.

That’s how it works anyway right!? Once you’re past one milestone, you’re simply worrying about the next… and the next… and the next. It’s never ending. If I can learn to let go a little bit now it’ll only serve me better in the long run. But it’s hard. Very hard.

See the thing about battling infertility is that you feel as though your body has failed you. You lack trust in your system knowing what to do, and also in its ability to do it. So yes I’m pregnant, but for that reason I’m struggling to really accept and enjoy it. Instead I’m filled with doubts about the viability, doubts about my immune system rejecting our baby(ies), doubts about whether my body is producing enough of the hormones to sustain another life (or lives). Add onto that the fact that I’m still on pills and injections reminding me daily that I can’t do this on my own really.

Any woman who has gone through infertility and come out the other side knows all too well what I’m talking about. Above all else I am so very grateful to be standing where I’m standing. Do not get me wrong on that front for one second. I would have given my left arm to make it this far. But now that I’m here, I also feel so very scared to lose it all. I’ve learned to protect my heart over the years, learned to be strong… but this is new territory, and unchartered for me. So it’s overwhelming, and it’s consuming.

I wish I could just relax and enjoy it. I really do, but I’m not going to be able to. It probably isn’t helping matters that I continue to test. Those test strips are a gal’s best friend and worst enemy all at the same time. Sure they can offer comfort… but they can also cause confusion and concern. See I have been testing mostly morning and afternoon. My morning tests are generally a bit lighter than my afternoon tests. No clue why, but consistent at least. However, lately I’ve been drinking a LOT more water, and my line isn’t getting super dark like I’ve seen other women’s. So of course I start to wonder! Does this mean my beta hcg isn’t doubling? Does this mean that my pee is just too diluted? Does this mean absolutely nothing? Does this mean I’m having a chemical? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

“Okay, breathe”, I tell myself repeatedly. And sometimes it works. Most times it doesn’t.

The only saving grace is in the moments I feel pregnant. The moments of nausea or fatigue that take over. I welcome those moments with open arms. But it’s early days, and those moments aren’t consistent, so the lack of their presence can also cause alarm. All in all, I’m a bit of a basket case currently. The light of the end of the tunnel is beta 1, and it can’t come soon enough.

xo

O.M.G

Guys… GUYS… it happened. I finally got my BFP!!! What!?!?! Never have I ever been blessed to see a second line. Not once in my life, and certainly not once in our 5 years actively TTC (trying to conceive). Shocking and exciting and nerve wracking and so many other things!

Check out our reactions and us sharing the long awaited news with family and friends below:

I had definitely been losing hope, and I think part of me simply couldn’t believe we’d ever get our happy ending after being disappointed time and time again. But on the flip side, perhaps that was just my way of guarding my heart. We protect ourselves the best we can I suppose.

Anyways, our lines have been getting progressively darker which is encouraging and I’ve been feeling increasingly unwell which is also welcomed as it gives me hope that all is progressing well.

It is obviously VERY early and there is always a risk for a chemical or miscarriage, so we really are trying to take it day by day, but we’ve never once made it this far so that in itself is something to celebrate.

Here’s a rundown of my 2ww symptoms:

Transfer Day
Pre-Transfer: constipated but overall good
Post-Transfer: very very gassy, bloated, very mild cramping

1dp5dt
Lightheaded before eating
Very mild stretching feeling
Still constipated
Still a little lightheaded/dizzy, now after eating (in spells)
Chocolate spotting (medium heavy) after bm

2dp5dt
Super gassy and bloated
Very dull pinch lower right side
boobs mildly tender
emotional
mild cramps
light brown spotting
sharp pain in right boob for a minute
sharp pain below right boob after for a minute

3dp5dt
Nauseous dizzy and hot upon waking (very short spell)
Dizzy and nauseous while packing
Frequent urination (but also increased fluids intake)
Nipples/areolas engorged
cervix had been low, now high
some cramping on/off

4dp5dt (flight from NY to TX)
3am pee
Hip pain, pinching in uterus
Snapping, electric shock down front of uterus
breakout
bad cramping

5dp5dt
mild cramping
short wave of nausea
increased thirst
mild increased urination

6dp5dt
positive HPT a.m.
nausea
mild fatigue
mild cramping here and there
insomnia

7dp5dt
insomnia/wake to pee
nausea
mild cramping
frequent urination

8dp5dt
insomnia/wake to pee
very hungry upon waking
nauseous after eating
fatigued (but also up since 3am!)

So there you have it! That’s all for now. Need to go have a nap. Literally. I’ll be back with more thoughts and reflections on all of this shortly! xo

Testing Testing 123

So of course I tested, and of course it was negative… Yesterday I tested just for kicks because I found an old expired first response digital test. Thought it would be fun and didn’t want to use it when I was hoping to trust the result since it’s expired. It was negative, as expected. Not only was it not first morning urine (as recommended) but it was also only 4 days past my 5 day transfer… so very early.

Then this morning I was scared to test, but caved because I had a first response early result (that I found along with the digital) that wasn’t expired and if anything was going to give me an accurate result the earliest it would be that test. Unfortunately it came up negative again, as did my cheap internet test strip. I had a cry, then talked myself out of my funk as best I could. It is only 5 days past the 5 day transfer after all.

I actually was chuckling to myself… I’ve been watching Friends (as I often do) and recently watched the episode when Phoebe transfers Frank & Alice’s embryos. Well first off, they transfer 5 which is cray cray, but was more common back then so we’ll let that slide. Also Alice is older so it’s reasonable to believe egg quality was an issue. But what really got me was Phoebe comes home from the transfer and puts her feet up. She takes a test that day when they pop by and gets a positive. Like huh!? Hahah… them be some magical eggies!

Wish that were the case in real life! Unfortunately, not so much. I will undoubtedly test again tomorrow but I’m trying to be realistic with my expectations at this point. I even took a moment to start drawing up a plan for the new year. I’m still writing in my affirmations book, still thinking as positive as I can, but also coping the only way I know how and as a planner that’s to plan!

Let me just say for a moment that this path I’m on really sucks. No like, I’m frickin’ so sick of it. I don’t want it to be my story anymore. I am perfectly happy having gone through what I have up to this point but I just feel like I’ve really paid my dues and watched so many others, in real life and in the infertility community alike, go on to have their families. And I’m sitting here losing hair, eating a really restrictive lame un-fun diet, not able to work, and zip… nilch… nadda. It’s just frustrating beyond belief. I found a fostering/adoption information session for mid January. We were originally planning on going in Nov/Dec but with our IVF it kind of got forgotten about. So now we’ll go in the New Year possibly.

The Two Week Wait

Ugh. For anyone trying to conceive they know this term. Or perhaps more widely used is the acronym “The 2WW”. With IVF the wait is a little shorter than a full two weeks generally speaking. When I lived in Canada though, beta was scheduled something ridiculous like 16 days past transfer. At the time even my logical brain couldn’t wrap around that… but also being part of so many forums where women in the states were having betas at 9 days past their transfers, it really just felt cruel. See 9 days past transfer of a 5 day embryo is the equivalent to a full 2 weeks from conception. So in a natural cycle a home pregnancy test (hpt) would be accurate, or you’d be getting a visit from good ole Aunt Flo. Neither of my cycles in Canada did I even make it to beta, as I experienced breakthrough bleeding that led to early testing and negative results, so we stopped meds before even reaching our official test date.

Our most recent fresh cycle of IVF in New York earlier this year, we also tested early (just simply because I’m not by nature a very patient person) and we got a negative result. I didn’t have any breakthrough bleeding and so diligently continued on my meds until my negative beta confirmed what we already knew.

So that brings us here to the 2ww of this frozen embryo transfer cycle and so far we’ve tested every single morning. That may seem odd, but we’re not doing it expecting it to tell us we’re pregnant. We’ve been doing it to ensure the HCG uterine wash we did a few hours before our transfer had no bearing on the testing result. I did the first day and it was stark white and I wondered if maybe it hadn’t been absorbed by my system, so I tested again the next day and still stark white. This morning I tested one last time just to reassure myself that I could believe a positive WHEN I get it. I say when, not if, because I’m choosing to believe this has worked.

And now I debate. Tomorrow will be 4 days past a 5 day embryo transfer, what we refer in short to 4dp5dt. By this date the embryo (or embryos) should be undergoing the implantation process. I always find this chart below helpful.

So basically as you can see, generally speaking by 5dp5dt (equivalent to 10 days past ovulation, or 10dpo) implantation is complete.By 6dp5dt HCG is entering the bloodstream and sometime thereafter will be detectable on a HPT. Now for every individual this is going to be different… it’s really just a guideline. For some women implantation happens sooner or faster, others later or slower. HCG maybe builds up slower or is metabolized differently. We can’t ever hold on too tightly to these timelines, but they do help me with visualizations.

Every day I have been writing in my affirmations book, and I try to keep in line with where my body and embryos are at in the process. For instance, today at 3dp5dt I might write/think:

My receptive uterine lining lovingly accepts these embryos that are implanting into my womb.

I find it helpful in terms of staying positive and reassuring when I have a lack of symptoms. Because at this point, symptoms aren’t reliable. When you’re on all sorts of IVF medications your body is naturally a little out of whack. Progesterone alone comes with a host of fun “symptoms” (aka side effects) including constipation and breast tenderness. Two symptoms generally attributed to early pregnancy signs. Too early for that though really, and also similar to PMS.

The one noteworthy symptom I have had was on 1dp5dt when I had medium chocolate brown spotting. I don’t recall having that in the past, although it could also be attributed to the difficulty our doctor had while performing our uterine wash pre-transfer. He warned me I could experience some very light spotting, but it came over 24 hrs later which was odd. Brown signals that it is old blood though and so very possible, nay likely, that that it what it’s from.

We still haven’t determined if we will test early. As I said, by nature I’m not exactly a patient person and so I’m not sure I can hold out until the 27th for our beta. It’s a tricky decision and I’m sure I’ll flip flop on it many times so no use in really setting myself up to go back on my word. We’ll just see what happens.

We fly home to Texas tomorrow morning really early, so we’re packing up and getting ourselves organized tonight. We’re really excited to be in our own home in our own bed without the noises of New York to bring sleepless nights. It’s been a great trip and we had some great memories, but time to go home… and bring our “embabies” with us 😉

xo

oh and ps. for anyone wanting to see/know how transfer went be sure to check out our vlog from that day HERE!

2 More Sleeps

An embryo transfer is an exciting event. But it’s also one filled with a host of other emotions including fear, anxiety, hope, and very often, desperation. Generally speaking, when a couple reaches the stage of transferring an embryo (or embryos) they’ve already gone through so much to get to that point. Not counting the months or years of trying unsuccessfully prior to fertility treatments (or the many invasive exams to formulate a diagnosis…) by the time of embryo transfer, a couple has endured countless appointments, injections, medications, bills, and procedures. Most significantly perhaps being the egg retrieval which can leave many women with a serious diagnosis of OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) and more unwanted delays or risks.

But then finally, here they are at that precious moment of bringing their “embabies” (get it… embryo babies…) home in utero. It’s an exciting time, and the infertility support community congratulates them in excitement proclaiming their newfound PUPO status. That is, “Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise”. Recently I heard the term PASP thrown out. Though not as catchy, “Pregnant And Staying Pregnant” held better positivity so that’s what I’ll go with this time around.

All seems excitingly well and dandy but the thing is, following the transfer couples enter the unavoidable hell that is the two week wait. Those who’ve tried to conceive naturally who charted or tracked cycles know that once the deed is done, there’s nothing left to do but wait for good ole Aunt Flo, or her lack of presence and subsequent positive home pregnancy test. But when a couple has gone through the grueling process of IVF, it feels like an even more cruel sort of torture. What if all they’ve gone through… all they’ve endured, is all for nothing? What if they don’t have a precious baby to show for it? What if their womb is just as empty as their bank accounts? Implantation happens between days 6 and 10 after ovulation in a natural cycle. In IVF our embryos are essentially equivalent to day 5. So starting as soon as 1 day after the transfer implantation can begin. But hcg (the pregnancy hormone that begins to secrete once implantation occurs) can’t be detected until closer to day 12 on a natural cycle, or 7 days past a 5 day transfer. Most clinics wait until days 14-16 to do bloodwork. Home pregnancy tests aren’t reliable in a lot of cases due to the drugs we are put on, so nothing to do but wait. And fret. And analyze each and every symptom or lack there of.

The doubts, the fears, the anxieties… they all start creeping in, no matter how positive of an individual, nor seasoned the IVF’er. Me? This ain’t my first rodeo. In fact this will be my FOURTH IVF transfer. And believe it or not, we’re putting in a whopping three embryos this time. The desperation of seeing your efforts pay off is palpable… and yet we shove it deep down to prepare ourselves in case we aren’t successful. But we so want to be successful.

For me this cycle I’ve been making a very conscious effort to stay super positive. Eric and I write in our “affirmations book” nightly (although I’ve been writing in it every time I’ve had a negative thought these last few days). I really want to believe it’s possible.. that we WILL be successful. We have so many people rooting for us after all. Miracles happen. I know that our lack of past success isn’t an indication of the future, but some days are hard, and sometimes we feel jaded. For too long I’ve wound up at the end disappointed, so it’s easy to understand that we eventually come to expect those negative outcomes. We’re protecting our hearts… but yet it’s also so important to remain positive. Balance is tricky.

So as we near our transfer, we begin to get a little more on edge. I fear my body will once again reject our precious embryos. I stress over my thin lining. I worry that maybe the embryos we’re transferring aren’t normal and simply CAN’T produce a pregnancy. A million scenarios lay before me and I have to talk myself off the ledge to leave it be… trust… have faith… remain HOPEFUL.

So tomorrow I will be taking it easy, enjoying a relaxing day with some healthy meals and lots of meditation, visualizations and positive thinking… perhaps a few prayers mixed in there too. Friday morning we go in for our transfer. We’re desperate for a Christmas miracle and I’m so scared my prayers will once again go unanswered. My heart is worn. I am strong… but I am human. Pain hurts. Failure sucks. And infertility is a b*tch.

NYC FET Adventures

So we’ve arrived in New York, not without some hiccups along the way though. I thought I was overdue an update on our cycle, so here it goes. Bunker down… it’s long winded.

Less than a week ago (on Dec 7) I went in for blood work and an ultrasound to check my uterine lining for it’s thickness. I had the number 10mm in my head as my goal, but did have some concerns about whether we’d reach that goal. Given the fact I had the Lupron Depot injection in September (which basically reset my lining) my body had to build it back from scratch, and that, I knew, takes time. But I was hopeful the medications had done their jobs and I was on track for our December 13th transfer.

Turns out, I was not. My lining was a mere 7.32mm. Now the good news was that it was beautifully triple striped… that is, that you can clearly see the three layers of the uterine lining on the ultrasound showing it is in a healthy state. I’d never had that before, so it was exciting! Some doctors will transfer with anything about 7mm, others 8mm. So I was kind of in a maybe zone. My doc took a look at my blood work and decided it would be best given my previous failed transfers to give my body a few extra days to thicken it up. My transfer was pushed to December 16th and starting of progesterone in oil (PIO) to Sunday. Side note for those that don’t know, but PIO essentially locks in your lining at whatever thickness it is at when you start taking it, so by delaying PIO we are hoping that we lock in my lining above 8mm.

So the delay isn’t a huge deal really, but we obviously planned our trip to NY for the transfer around projected dates so now we’re here a great deal earlier than we really needed to be. We thought about changing flights and delaying our arrival but we had plans this weekend with friends, and specifically the friends we were staying with out in Connecticut were going to pass off keys before leaving out of town themselves… so we opted to keep it simple and just stick with the original plan.

Standing in line at security at the airport however, I receive a text about their daughter… “unnamed has the stomach flu.” Obviously they felt so horrible, and knowing why we’re coming and about to do, they wanted us to have the full picture and option to make other arrangements which we appreciated. They felt terrible but ultimately, that’s life with kids, and I wasn’t about to make them feel bad about something so completely out of their control. That being said, CRAP! Staying with them was going to save us a ton of money, and IVF ain’t cheap so it was really helping us out. But we were not about to risk it. So sat down at a Ruby’s cafe popped open the laptop and grabbed some dinner (or in my case, lettuce with lemon juice and some of Eric’s french fries because I can’t eat anything anywhere these days with this diet). It was a bit too overwhelming to decide the full week’s plan in that exact moment. What if unnamed got better and the parents didn’t get sick? Should we go? What about leaving a few days between them and us for any bacteria to dissipate? Ugh… too many scenarios. So we decided to book a hotel we are familiar with, just for one night, to at least be able to drop our things and sort out a game plan.

One of our favourite places to stay in NY is the Kimpton Hotel Eventi. It’s near Herald Square, so easy enough access anywhere, and reasonably priced but still stylishly appointed and clean! Their website had a “Stay the night” deal so we book it, breath a sigh of relief, and happily board our flight feeling a little more relaxed about it all.

It’s a packed flight that takes forever to board and we end up sitting on the runway for a good half hour delayed because of winds in NY. Cool. So they even turn off the seatbelt sign and we’re all just hanging out on the plane making no progress. Eventually we get on our way and arrive safely at La Guardia after a bumpy, fishtailing landing. Eric cancelled our car rental since we didn’t think we’d change our minds about going out to Connecticut, and we got an Uber to the Kimpton. When we go to check-in the woman cannot find our reservation. We check our email confirmation. We booked the wrong weekend. And they’re fully booked for tonight. FFFFF-UUUUUUUUUU…… Eric and I just look at each other and laugh because at this point our lives have turned into a comedy of errors and missteps and there’s nothing left to do but cry or laugh. So we laugh.

We sit down in their lobby and find a hotel around the corner… the oh so stylish and sexy amazingness that is the Hampton Inn 😉 But it’ll do for the night, and it was affordable and we don’t have to go far. We get there, check in, and all but collapse on the bed before ordering seamless and drifting off into restful sleep filled with dreams of a simpler journey. When we wake up in the morning I hear from our friends whose daughter is feeling better and they themselves aren’t sick. Hmm. Do we risk it? We need to wake up before making any decisions, so we go grab some Starbucks from across the street (at least that was a win). Ultimately we chat about it and decide that we would just be filled with so much regret if something DID happen and then we were unsuccessful, so for piece of mind we wanted to get an Air Bnb and just stay in the city.

Eric ends up finding a great apartment in Soho. A bit more expensive than we were hoping to pay but in a fantastic location and a stylish looking clean apartment that offers instant book. Perfect. So we book it and I instantly send her both a text and email to confirm since it’s such short notice. Nothing. Finish our Starbucks. Nothing. Follow up. Nothing. Hmm. Nothing we can do at this point. It is early, she could be busy, we have to wait to hear back. So we pack up our things and leave them at the front desk at check-out and head out to wander the city.

We grab “breakfast” (it’s now noon) at Fresh & Co (which is delicious and nutritious if you don’t know it). Simple things like hanging out in our old spots made me feel happy. We heard back from our host… well the hosts friend or husband or something, and they confirmed we were set and that we could check in at 6pm. Unfortunately they had had other people in the place and had previously agreed to give them a late check out since there was no one booked. Totally understandable. We were relieved regardless, and a huge stress was lifted.

We decided to kill time by going to go walk the Brooklyn Bridge into Dumbo. One of my favourite things to do, and Dumbo in Brooklyn is one of my favourite areas. What we’ve always wanted to do was leave a lock on the bridge. When we lived here we kept saying we’d do it one day and just never got around to it. Today I was determined to leave our lock. We went to a Duane Reid and ended up finding a big lock and a bunch of tiny locks. We decided it would be such a special idea to leave a lock for each of our embryos for this upcoming transfer, and it ended up being the most touching amazing moment. We captured it on our vlog if you wanna watch.

Once in Dumbo though I started to feel pretty unwell. Almost like an IBS flare up. So we decided to just sit at a cafe for a bit until I felt well enough to go on. I later determined it was the vitamin E I had recently introduced into my diet, so I’ve eliminated it hoping I feel better. Eventually we made our way back to Manhattan and swung by a Local Foods to get some groceries for the weekend. We swung by the hotel, grabbed our bags and took an Uber to our apartment for the week. Our host was there to greet us and was so friendly and welcoming. The place looked just like the pictures and we breathed a sigh of relief once again. We are only on the second floor however, and began to get a little worried about noise. The 10th was New York’s Santa Con so drunk scantily clad Santas were roaming the streets noisily. Little did we know too that we were right about a brasserie restaurant whose speakers were on the roof of the restaurant right below our bedroom. Can anything go right!? I had earplugs but they did nothing to help with the vibrating base we could hear through them. We basically were awake until the restaurant closed at 4am.

So now what? Do we stay in an apartment that we can’t sleep in!? The restaurant, turns out, is open until 4am daily. DAILY!!! Who in their right minds wants to be out that late on a weeknight? We hoped that maybe it wouldn’t be AS loud future nights, but it was only minutely better last night. I managed to get some sleep, more so than the night before for sure, but am also lucky I can just laze around all day and be unproductive. Eric on the other hand is at work in the NY office today probably beyond tired. Poor guy.

Today is half over already and before I know it Eric will be off work and we’ll be going out for dinner. Tomorrow I might go out and about to putts around depending on how I’m feeling and then tomorrow night we’re going skating at Rockefeller Center under the tree. We’ve never done it before, and Eric sucks at skating so it’ll be good fun and great memories. Since originally our transfer was planned for Wed, I have no idea what I’ll be doing now Wed/Thur but I’m sure I’ll find things to occupy my time. I’m happy just to take it easy and be as rested as possible going into our transfer on Friday.

We’re thawing 3 embryos and whatever survives the thaw will be transferred. Hoping all 3 survive the thaw to give us the best shot possible. We need all the luck and prayers we can get. If you’re reading this, we appreciate any and all positive vibes on our behalf. Let’s get us a baby once and for all. Christmas Miracle anyone!? xo

An Open Letter About Our Infertility

This letter is one we’ve thought of writing before. The things we have wanted to express have perhaps been expressed in other ways over the years to those closest to us, so it never really felt necessary. But today we are opening ourselves up in a bigger way, and laying it all out on the line like this is taking us a great deal of courage.

See infertility is a painfully taboo subject. It’s taboo because no one talks about it. When someone does have the courage to open themselves up, the response they receive is quite often discouraging. Stunned silence. Unsolicited advice or stories. An uncomfortably bad joke and hasty change of subject. So the couple going through it naturally shies away from dealing with those encounters in the future. The person having said something doesn’t know what they did wrong, or often too what they’ve done right goes unmentioned! And thus the cycle is left to continue on unchanged. This conversation conundrum is no one participant’s “fault”, but rather a culmination of societal norms gone amiss.

See the less we talk about these taboo subjects, the more taboo they become. I started a blog called Femme InFertile many moons ago, talking about our struggle through the infertility journey. It had a few readers here and there, nothing major. Over time popularity grew and recently I was nominated for The Hope Award – Best Blog by Resolve, a fertility awareness organization. I didn’t win, but to be only one of five nominated felt like a true honour. I decided I wanted to do more! I got the inspiration to start filming our fertility journey long before this, but feeling fully ready to put ourselves (and our story) out for the world to see took a long time to work up to. One day, it finally felt right for us. Too many couples struggle silently, and well, if you know me, you know that’s never been my style.

What I want you, our friends and family, (and perhaps strangers reading this) to understand as we step out into a more public domain is that infertility is an incredibly isolating experience. So much of our struggle has been faced behind closed doors. It’s hard to talk about. We may share tidbits here and there, but frankly, we figure you’ve probably gotten sick of listening to us by now. When months go by, and then years, and everyone stops asking how you are… how you REALLY are, you begin to feel irrelevant. Everyone else moves on with their lives, and in some strange way you’re left in a state of limbo. Creating this blog and our YouTube channel were in an effort to feel less isolated, raise awareness, and hopefully allow us to become a better support to those also experiencing infertility.

By opening ourselves up we have already found such an amazing network of support in return, and we are enjoying the freedom of living our lives without censorship and without fear of judgement. Our story is our story, and we have embraced every aspect of it good and bad. Unfortunately, infertility is one of those things that if you haven’t been through it, you really can’t fully understand what it’s like. But what I can tell you, is that infertility brings out our best and our worst. At best, we learn a lot, we grow… we become better, stronger, more resilient versions of our former selves. At worst we’re jealous, depressed, working through stages of grief, full of self-hatred, detached, and downright ashamed and embarrassed. See, a couple struggling with infertility will never know the luxury of deciding to have a baby and then simply making it happen. We feel our bodies have failed us. We feel we’ve failed each other.

Some of you reading this may have faced struggles yourselves. We know individuals who have coped with miscarriages, and they too were faced to greive it alone. Those of you who may have struggled for a few months to a year know how difficult it can be to keep it together month by month as you spiral down a well of doubt. As time goes on, hope dwindles, and perseverance wanes. For us, Spring 2017 will mark our 5 years anniversary of trying to conceive. We’ve taken many necessary breaks, and endured countless pregnancy and birth announcements along the way.

What we want you to understand is that joy and pain can be felt simultaneously. We have so loved watching those we care about become the amazing parents they are. The pain we feel for ourselves and our own circumstance doesn’t take away from the happiness we feel for them. But they are at odds, and it can be hard to put into words… hard to explain and harder to process. In those moments we so often feel cheated out of simply feeling and expressing joy. We so wish we could, but that too has been taken from us. Know that some days we’re ok, and some days we’re not. And that’s all just part of our journey.

So what now? Well… we have been documenting our infertility journey recently and finally felt ready to share it with all of those we love and care about. We are currently undergoing treatment for our upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer). This will be our 4th IVF transfer, none of which have been successful. If you’d like to learn about it we encourage you to watch our YouTube Channel; subscribe, and comment with questions. You can also like our Facebook Page to receive updates that way if you prefer. Or if blogging is more your style, hang out here!

We hope by opening ourselves up we can offer you an opportunity to better understand the journey we are going through, breaking down some of the invisible walls that so often feel to be separating us in the process. In a world of social media and putting only our best selves out for the world to see, we hope our candor can bring you a sense of peace knowing that everyone struggles in some way shape or form. We know for some of you, your struggles are in other arenas. We hope we can be a reminder for you that life isn’t always what it seems on the outside. If you yourself are silently struggling through infertility, please do not hesitate to reach out. We are here, and we care.

If you’ve made it this far, kudos, and thank you. It means a lot to us that you took the time to listen.

Much Love,

Liv & Eric