Fears & Third Beta

So I woke up this morning feeling “less pregnant” than I have in a long time. I had energy, my boobs weren’t sore, I just felt kind of just fine… of course this was incredibly unsettling. The first thing I did when I popped out of bed was take a home pregnancy test hoping to ease my mind. Well that was a fail. It was lighter than it was 2 days ago.

Now I will admit, my afternoon tests seem to be consistently darker than morning tests. I’m not sure if that’s in some way due to the suppositories overnight, or my natural hormone fluctuations. Regardless an afternoon test from 2 days ago (well 1.5 if we’re being anal) in my mind should have been very similar to a morning test today. Perhaps I’m wrong, and a friend of mine tried to reassure me that she experienced the same thing and to not trust the sticks but it’s so very very hard.

That being said, many women have suggested I get a third beta to make sure my levels are rising appropriately so I finally caved and asked my RE (reproductive endocrinologist – aka fertility doctor) for an order so I could go to Labcorp and have this done today. So that’s what I’m doing. My appointment is at 11:30am and even if he requests it STAT I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get the results today. I just know in the past I’ve gone at 9:30am and didn’t get my results until later in the afternoon and with my RE clinic on the East Coast they may not be able to get back to me until tomorrow.

This is a rundown on what my HCG should look like:
1st Beta Dec 27 = 192
2nd Beta Dec 29 = 379

This is about 97.4% increase in 48 hours. Those first two betas were drawn around 9:30am. Based on the same percentage increase:

by Dec 31 should of been around 783
by Jan 2 should of been around 1545

by TODAY at 9:30am (Jan 4) should be around 3050, so maybe a little higher by the 1130am draw.

And so more waiting. All I feel like I do these days is wait in limbo. Regardless, waiting for results tomorrow is much more manageable than waiting for our Ultrasound which is now scheduled for January 11th.

Ohhhhh the ultrasound… so this has been fun. *insert eye roll* Because I’m new to Texas I didn’t yet have an OB-GYN. I hadn’t had time between finding an internist, getting settled, starting FET etc. Well a friend recommended a practice and I called them and because I’m still on Fertility medications until 10/11 weeks they won’t see me until that point in time. I was shocked. And they weren’t exactly nice about it, they basically said you can go get imaging done at a regular imaging lab center in the meantime.

Well that’s all fine and dandy but for someone who has gone through all I have to get here, I would like a bit of continuity of care and reassurance. It felt very very unsettling. I expressed my frustration too because if I had of just not told them about IVF then I would have gotten in for 6 weeks. I’m sure many women lie, but I do want my doctor to know my case and history and be sensitive to it so probably for the best in the end. Really horrible and stressful experience.

Anyways, I did end up finding an OB-GYN that has experience with high risk so I’m hoping it won’t be an issue. I simply booked in on Zoc Doc so don’t plan to explain the IVF/FET situation until during my appointment. Hoping that doesn’t affect their willingness to work with me on the day. Fingers crossed. I do have a letter from my RE “releasing” me from their care, and explaining that I’ll be on meds to sustain pregnancy thereafter, but man it’s complicated. Everyone’s just worried about being sued in the states I swear. They don’t give a crap that they’re causing undue stress.

So until further notice I’m waiting waiting waiting, and anxiously fearful that all that I’ve worked so hard to achieve is going to be taken away from me before I can even start to enjoy it.

 

*EDITED TO ADD

The lovely ashleymatics was kind enough to point out that beta levels beyond roughly 1000 tend to double slower. I did some research and found this info helpful so thought I should include it here:

1. Within the first 2-4 weeks after fertilization, hCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours
2. An increase of 60% in 48 hours is still considered normal
3. Below 1,200 mIU/ml, hCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours
4. Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes 72-96 hours to double
5. Above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four days to double
6. More than two in three normal pregnancies have a doubling of the hCG every 72 hours
7. There is a wide variation of normal hCG levels. An hCG that does not double every two to three days does not necessarily indicate a problem
8. A maximum level is usually reached by the 10th or 11th week.
9. After 10 weeks or so, hCG normally decreases

So Very Tired

So today is 9 days past our transfer, and if not for the holidays, would have been the day that we had our first beta. It sucks that we have to wait a couple extra days because of holiday hour closures etc. but in the end, a few days isn’t the end of the world. Feels that way a little bit right now simply because I’m so full of anxiety, but time will pass and next thing I know we’ll be anxiously awaiting beta #2.

That’s how it works anyway right!? Once you’re past one milestone, you’re simply worrying about the next… and the next… and the next. It’s never ending. If I can learn to let go a little bit now it’ll only serve me better in the long run. But it’s hard. Very hard.

See the thing about battling infertility is that you feel as though your body has failed you. You lack trust in your system knowing what to do, and also in its ability to do it. So yes I’m pregnant, but for that reason I’m struggling to really accept and enjoy it. Instead I’m filled with doubts about the viability, doubts about my immune system rejecting our baby(ies), doubts about whether my body is producing enough of the hormones to sustain another life (or lives). Add onto that the fact that I’m still on pills and injections reminding me daily that I can’t do this on my own really.

Any woman who has gone through infertility and come out the other side knows all too well what I’m talking about. Above all else I am so very grateful to be standing where I’m standing. Do not get me wrong on that front for one second. I would have given my left arm to make it this far. But now that I’m here, I also feel so very scared to lose it all. I’ve learned to protect my heart over the years, learned to be strong… but this is new territory, and unchartered for me. So it’s overwhelming, and it’s consuming.

I wish I could just relax and enjoy it. I really do, but I’m not going to be able to. It probably isn’t helping matters that I continue to test. Those test strips are a gal’s best friend and worst enemy all at the same time. Sure they can offer comfort… but they can also cause confusion and concern. See I have been testing mostly morning and afternoon. My morning tests are generally a bit lighter than my afternoon tests. No clue why, but consistent at least. However, lately I’ve been drinking a LOT more water, and my line isn’t getting super dark like I’ve seen other women’s. So of course I start to wonder! Does this mean my beta hcg isn’t doubling? Does this mean that my pee is just too diluted? Does this mean absolutely nothing? Does this mean I’m having a chemical? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

“Okay, breathe”, I tell myself repeatedly. And sometimes it works. Most times it doesn’t.

The only saving grace is in the moments I feel pregnant. The moments of nausea or fatigue that take over. I welcome those moments with open arms. But it’s early days, and those moments aren’t consistent, so the lack of their presence can also cause alarm. All in all, I’m a bit of a basket case currently. The light of the end of the tunnel is beta 1, and it can’t come soon enough.

xo